You can read part 2 of this series here.
During the summer before eighth grade, when I was twelve, I “hit the big time,” and my life would be forever altered. One day, a friend, “Sam” invited me to his house and we watched TV. Not just any television program, it was hard-core porn. We had a seemingly endless supply of pornography, thanks in part to his parents’ nearly countless videos stashed in their room. As we watched, I experienced mixed emotions. On the one hand, I was excited and wanted to keep watching, as there was definitely something very attractive about what the men and women were doing on the screen. On the other hand, I had intense feelings of guilt. The more I watched, the uglier I felt.
A scene from the movie A Bug’s Life captures how those pornographic images had begun affecting me. In the movie, two mosquitoes are hanging out near a bug zapper. The first mosquito says, “Frank, get away from the light!” Frank responds, “I can’t help it—the light is sooo beauuuuuutiful!” and then … ZAAAPP! Frank becomes bug juice. As “beautiful” as I thought the images were, this was a tractor beam I just could not break free from.
As all of those who get involved with porn can attest to, the initial images stop satisfying: a person has to escalate in order to get his high. My friend was no exception. He was not interested in merely watching porn with a buddy. During a later visit to his house, when we were in his parent’s room looking for another video to watch, Sam reached into his parent’s top dresser drawer and pulled out a “sex toy.” When I asked what it was, he said, “It will make you feel good.” I did not know exactly what he meant and was embarrassed by the whole situation. I made up some excuse and got out of there.
Our relationship came to a head when we were over at my house alone, watching a video Sam had brought over. A few minutes later, my mom’s boyfriend came through the front door unexpectedly. Instead of just turning off the VCR and continue watching TV, I got up quickly and tried to get the tape out of the machine. He sized up the situation rapidly and took the tape. I begged for him to give it back but to no avail: my mom was going to find out.
I knew there was no way out of this situation, so when mom came home from the store, I immediately went up to her in tears and confessed my crime. There was no condemnation on the part of my mom. Instead, she wrapped me in her arms and showed me the love only a mother could give. She gave me the intimacy I was looking for from porn in the first place.
Soon thereafter she sat down and talked with me about what was on the video. She told me she watched it briefly, and that there was nothing beautiful or lovely in what she saw. She could not understand why I would want to watch it. To this day, I can still recall the scene my friend and I were watching when we were busted. It turns my stomach now, realizing porn really is all about power and domination, yet as a youth, I did not understand this. My mother was trying to teach me why this was wrong, but she did not have the language to explain it, and I had tasted something carnal that would expand my downward spiral.
To be continued…
Steve Pokorny is the founder of freedom-coaching.net, a one-on-one mentoring system devoted to breaking the power of pornified images. If you or someone you care about is hooked on porn, click on the link above to learn how you can be set free.