Tag Archiv: suicide attempt

Out of Darkness – Part 1

As with any blog, there has to be a motivating factor as to why a person would commit such time to sharing with the world their message. I am convinced that our pornographic culture is anything but good, and it is stealing the beauty that we need in our lives. This doesn’t come from a place of judgment from on high but from my lived reality of how porn kept me in bondage for years. The Good News is I have discovered freedom, and I believe I have been called to help lead countless others to freedom.

Thus onto my story…

I was born into a stable, two-parent home, the youngest of two boys. In 1985, at five years of age, my life changed. My father, a Vietnam veteran with a get-rich-quick mentality, wagered our house on the stock market without my mother’s permission — and lost.

Acting upon the faulty notion that our family needed financial support more than his physical presence, my father believed it would be better to kill himself than to lose the house. He went into the garage, closed the door, and turned on the car in an attempt to end his life. When my mother found him thirty minutes later and dragged him out of the garage, he was alive, but his short-term memory would be gone forever due to carbon monoxide poisoning. Our family was taken care of financially because my father was a veteran. Thus, in a sad twist of irony, my father’s fears for a bleak future never came to pass.

Darkness, clouds
A shroud of darkness was beginning to form around my life.

My father’s condition prevented me from really knowing him. After the accident, he was placed in a nursing home and I would occasionally visit him. I always felt uncomfortable around him, for his speech had been slowed and he was unable to retain anything I told him. I could not share my experiences of growing older and I felt as though we could not build a relationship together. He was not the father who had played baseball with me in the front yard. Here was a man who had sold out to his fears and compromised the future of his family. I felt his selfishness had destroyed the possibility of having a stable home and being raised by both a father and a mother.

Because of this abandonment, I grew up insecure and questioned the point of everything. I often felt depressed and even felt at times that it would be better if I had never been born. I remember writing more than a few times in my journal that I should kill myself – like father, like son. Despite the counseling I went through during childhood, I could not shake the deep-seated feeling of isolation and worthlessness in my soul.

Around Christmas 1996, when I was 17, my father, at age 51, began to lose a lot of weight. Doctors discovered he had developed brain and lung cancer and he did not have much time left. Within two months, he was moved to The Hospice of the Western Reserve in Cleveland, Ohio. I knew I had to say something to him before it was too late.

During one of my few visits to hospice, I sat down and was honest with him. I looked him in the eyes and said, “Dad, you abandoned me. You walked out on Mom. You left Brian. You were not there when we needed you most.” For a brief moment, he looked back into my eyes and said, “I know.” That was his way of saying, “I’m sorry.” From that moment, I was able to begin forgiving him. Three weeks later, I lost my father for the second time.

To be continued…

To read the whole story, as well as learn how to overcome the power of pornified images, check out the forthcoming Redeemed Vision: Setting the Blind Free from the Darkness of Pornography, available in paperback or on Kindle in 2016.

Steve Pokorny is the founder of freedom-coaching.net, a one-on-one mentoring system devoted to breaking the power of pornified images. If you or someone you care about is hooked on porn, click on the link above to learn how you can be set free.